A man goes to a bar with his dog.
He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man, "the bartender says, "I'm sorry.
Here, the first one's on me."
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.
The first guy sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell the bartender it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar.
He asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so.
They don't have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?!
They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Whiskey is a great drink – it makes you see double and feel single.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
A: Gulp.
Vote:
A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.
During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.
"Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce.
One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held.
The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get.
My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry."
"I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge.
"Wait, there's more...
When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side.
I asked why.
Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's."
"THAT'S when I hit him!"
The T. Rexes were all angry.
You know why?
Because these huge muscular creatures with these big muscular legs and these tiny little hands!
How would you feel, 60 million years never being able to masturbate?
That is the real reason dinosaurs are extinct right there.
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “green side up!”
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “green side up!”
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled “green side up!”
The lady then asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?”
“I’m sorry,” came the reply. “But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
I had to divorce my husband for religious reasons,
I'm a catholic and living with him is hell.
Yo momma’s so fat, when she walked in front of the television I missed three commercials.
Yo momma’s so fat, when she went to the beach, she was the only one that got a tan.