‘Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.’ Sue Murphy
Harry applies for a job at a finance company, the manager tells him the job is his if he can crack their toughest account. Harry goes off and comes back two hours later having recovered the entire amount. ‘Amazing!’ says the manager. ‘How did you do it?’ ‘Easy,’ replies Harry. ‘I said that if he didn’t pay us, I’d tell all his other creditors he had.’
What do you call a woman that works like a man?? Lazy.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says, "hey, how 'bout it. You and me, getting it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money." She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
My dad is really annoyed, I had the TV on and he accidentally saw the entire football match – he’d just wanted to watch the results on the news.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Q: What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar? A: A love call.
"But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster!" the society matron protested. "Can't you find some way to cover up the shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced by two paid studs?" "You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed the police officer. "I'll just put it in my report that she died at the stroke of two."
Q. What did the frog say to the fly? A. You are really starting to bug me!