He drank like a fish. Which would have been okay if he’d drunk what the fish drinks.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: How does David Beckham change a light bulb? A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.
Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
A drunk falls into one of the fountains in Trafalgar Square. Floundering around, he looks up and sees Nelson standing on his column. ‘Don’t jump!’ he shouts. ‘This is the shallow end!’
He was a colourful boxer. Black and blue all over.
Have you seen the offices of the RSPCA? It’s tiny; you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by the leg." "Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?" "Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' course, ma'am. I never argues with sharks."
My uncle is very mean. I went round the other day and found him stripping the wallpaper. He wasn’t redecorating, he was moving.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? So they can find their way back to the house.