One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR.
Anxiety: Getting up to see why the baby isn’t crying.
Q: Why is it so hot at Phillies games? A: Because there's not a fan in the place.
A lot of things have changed in my life since I got to know that my girlfriend got pregnant. My name, living address, phone number...
Q: What do you get if you mix a rabbit and a snake? A: A jump rope!
Q: Why does a dog lick himself? A: He can't make a fist.
Chuck Norris... Chuck Norris... Chuck Norris... Okay, I've finished my morning prayers.
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she gave your kids a "Yo' Grandmama Is So Stupid" joke book.
Superman's weakness isn't kryptonite, it's obvious who it is...
What's a moo hoo for a stuffed steer? A full bull.