Best jokes ever

What is a teacher's favorite kind of music? Class-ical.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband? Miss her. Pity her.

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better." One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

Chuck Norris once bowled a 300... Without a ball... He wasn't even in a bowling ally.

Elvis Presley, Richard Petty, Budweiser, and Michael Jackson all call Chuck Norris "The King".

Air traffic controller: "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." Airline pilot: "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Air Traffic controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?"

Chuck Norris once won a three-legged race... By himself.

"Johny, what is the difference between being sober and being drunken?" Johny: "When I was drunk I didn't need to buy a ticket to the carousel." "Ok, and when you were sober and wanted to go to the carousel what has happened then?" "The carousel man needed to center the whole carousel, of course. The left half of the carousel was for me and the right one for all the small children."

Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings." The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose." The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt." The first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?" "No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."