This guy calls his wife at work and says, "Don't worry, I'm fine and the damage is minimal." She says, "Oh my gosh, what happened?" He says, "I was coming back from lunch and a bird hit my car windshield." "How much damage did it do?" she asked. "Minimal, however I did get a ticket." "A ticket how did you get that?" "Well, I managed to reach the bird through the window and throw it behind me, however it hit the windshield of the car behind me. It was a highway patrol car and the officer gave me a ticket." "What for?" she asked, "Damaging his windshield?" "No, for flipping him the bird!"
Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it turned itself in.
What do you call a woman that works like a man?? Lazy.
How do you know if your man is dead? The sex is the same, but there's less ironing.
When is the best time to fake an orgasm? When a rottweiler is humping your leg.
Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
A blonde in a bar is hunched over her martini spearing at the olive with a cocktail stick. A dozen times the olive eludes her until a man sitting next to her grabs the stick and skewers it for her. ‘That’s the way to do it,’ he says. ‘Big deal,’ replies the blonde. ‘You’d never have got it unless I’d tired it out first.’
A blonde wanders into a library and says, ‘Can I have a burger and fries?’ The librarian says, ‘I’m sorry, but this is a library.’ The blonde whispers, ‘Can I have a burger and fries?’