I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
Girl: why am I still single?
Brain: you're weird as shit.
Body: and you're fat.
Face: plus you're pretty ugly.
Food: Don't worry babe, I'm here for you.
You see, masturbation is so unpredictable.
I just go up and down.
Vote:
How long does it take Chuck Norris to get to Asia?
2 months...
How does he get there?
He walks.
Vote:
How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
They both wear stripes.
Chuck Norris can blow the answers away from the wind.
Vote:
Q: Did you hear about the Hungarian who thought his wife was trying to kill him?
A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Hungarian Remover".
Why did God give women belly buttons?
For somewhere to stash your gum on the way down.
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied.
"Once, I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!
Vote:
How do lesbians handle their liquor?
By the ears.
(Lick her)