He drank so much beer that when he ate a peanut you could hear the splash.
A 7-year-old boy and a 40-year old man are walking together in a dark forest.
The young boy says, "I'm afraid..." The 40-year-old man replies," You're afraid?!
I have to walk out of here alone!"
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't share a toothbrush with your friends.
A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
“My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.”
“Mine,” boasts another, “went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.”
“I’m the only soldier in my family,” confessed vet number three, “but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.”
“Really? What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know.
“Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”
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A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought?
Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds.
What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi?
Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"
Yo mamma is so fat, when I swerved in my car to get around her, I ran out of petrol.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "you ain't from around here...where you from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."
What do you call a baby on a stick?
A Kebabie.
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