A guy walked into a bar and said "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender." But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay. Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!" The bartender said "Why?" The guy replyed "You're violent when you're drunk!"
One cutting edge aquarium saved a lot of money when its owner discovered a means to make the dolphins live forever -- since the dolphins never died, no money needed to be spent on buying new ones. Extending the dolphins' lives required putting a special mixture into their food; one of the ingredients was baby sea gull meat. So one day, one of the workers was sent to the beach to find some. On the way back, baby sea gulls in hand, he had to pass through a forest. In the middle of the path was a sleeping lion. He very carefully stepped over it, only to be handcuffed by a policeman. "Officer," he said, "what's going on?" "You're under arrest," said the policeman. "But why?" he asked. The policeman replied, "For transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."
How do you stop a skunk from smelling? You hold his nose!
I’ve got one those special filter programmes on my Internet access. It’s really handy, it blocks out everything except porn sites.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow fell on her.
How do you know you’re flying over the poorer part of town? You see toilet paper hanging on the clothes lines.
They are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.
Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It’s not very bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy.
Q: What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much? A: A beer-a-cuda!