What a barman!
When I asked for something tall, cold and full of gin, he called his wife out.
He doesn’t like to drink.
It’s just something to do while he gets drunk.
I drink to steady my nerves.
Last night I got so steady I couldn’t move.
It’s night and a drunk is crawling along the pavement looking for something.
A passer-by offers to help and asks what’s missing.
The drunk replies that he’s lost his watch.
‘And where abouts did you lose it?’ asks the passer-by.
‘About half a mile up the road,’ replies the drunk.
‘So why are you doing down here?’ asks the passer-by.
The drunk replies, ‘Down here the lighting is better.’
‘He’s spending a year dead for tax purposes.’
Douglas Adams
A husband gives his wife a complete mink outfit for her birthday – a 12-bore shotgun and some traps.
What’s blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette…?
A blonde doing cartwheels.
Yesterday I saw a man trying to chat up a cheetah.
‘Hello,’ I thought.
‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’
He drank so much beer that when he ate a peanut you could hear the splash.
A 7-year-old boy and a 40-year old man are walking together in a dark forest.
The young boy says, "I'm afraid..." The 40-year-old man replies," You're afraid?!
I have to walk out of here alone!"