I drink to steady my nerves.
Last night I got so steady I couldn’t move.
It’s night and a drunk is crawling along the pavement looking for something.
A passer-by offers to help and asks what’s missing.
The drunk replies that he’s lost his watch.
‘And where abouts did you lose it?’ asks the passer-by.
‘About half a mile up the road,’ replies the drunk.
‘So why are you doing down here?’ asks the passer-by.
The drunk replies, ‘Down here the lighting is better.’
‘He’s spending a year dead for tax purposes.’
Douglas Adams
A husband gives his wife a complete mink outfit for her birthday – a 12-bore shotgun and some traps.
What’s blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette…?
A blonde doing cartwheels.
Yesterday I saw a man trying to chat up a cheetah.
‘Hello,’ I thought.
‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’
He drank so much beer that when he ate a peanut you could hear the splash.
A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing.
He starts sawing a hole in the ice, when a loud booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on.
The voice booms again, "You will find no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"
The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."
What a barman!
When I asked for something tall, cold and full of gin, he called his wife out.
A 7-year-old boy and a 40-year old man are walking together in a dark forest.
The young boy says, "I'm afraid..." The 40-year-old man replies," You're afraid?!
I have to walk out of here alone!"