A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer.
As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing.
Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes.
As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him.
He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman.
The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!
After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel.
He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite.
Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525.
Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
Animal testing is a terrible idea;
they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money.
I shall be everlastingly in your debt.
Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
"There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot."
Q. Why can't a blonde get a drivers license?
A. Because every time the instructor says "Let's park" she jumps in the back seat.
How do you confuse a frog?
Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner.
A guy was talking with his friend:
I’ve managed to separate from my wife in common agreement: she gets the house and I get the car and desk.
Ok, but how about your finances?
The lawyer takes care of those...
Little Billy looks at the chimpanzees from the zoo.
Mama, little Billy shouts, this monkey looks like our neighbour, Mr. Danny.
Billy, it’s not polite to talk like that!
Why? The chimpanzee doesn’t understand...
How do you guess a blond played at you’re computer?
The joystick is on the chair.