A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
I backed a horse last week at ten to one.
It came in at quarter past four.
What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward?
It ends up in his mouth.
My wife and I have a joint account.
I deposit money and she withdraws it.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, who were all stranded on an island.
One day they found a genie and he said he would grant them three wishes.
All three of them agreed that each of them would get one wish each.
The brunette said, "I wish I was home in my bed and that this never happened."
and poof, her wish was granted.
The redhead said, "I wish that I was at home in my bed and this never happened."
and poof, her wish was granted.
Then the blond said, "I wish my friends were here with me."
A man is staggering home drunk late at night when he’s stopped by a policeman.
‘What are you doing out here at this time of night?’ asks the officer.
‘I’m going to a lecture,’ replies the man.
‘And who’s going to give a lecture at this hour?’ asks the policeman.
‘My wife,’ replies the man.
Did you hear about the blonde who was treated in the emergency room for concussion and severe head wounds?
She’d tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungee cord.
Liquor may be a slow poison, but who’s in a hurry?