How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Only one if you run him through slowly!
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before a crime, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after a crime, we call him a defence lawyer.
Why did the lumberjack get nowhere with the internet? He kept logging on and off.
An airliner is having engine trouble. The pilot instructs the cabin crew to prepare for an emergency landing. A few minutes later the pilot asks the flight attendants if everyone is buckled in and ready. ‘All set back here, Captain,’ comes the reply. ‘Except one lawyer. He’s still going around passing out business cards.’
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? A mosquito drops off you when you die!
Yo momma’s so fat, when she dances the band skips.
A blonde comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. ‘Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts. ‘How can I get to the other side?’ The other blonde looks around then shouts back, ‘You are on the other side!’
What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? ‘It’s okay, Daddy, I’m not hurt.’
Panic: When your babysitter calls to ask where you keep the fire extinguisher.
Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.