Best jokes ever

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home." The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man. The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
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has 29.93 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, car, drunk
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
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has 29.93 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: animal, men
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
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has 29.93 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, animal, bar, dog, drunk
How does a man show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
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has 29.93 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: beer, men
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox? A: About eight beers.
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has 29.93 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, animal, beer
It's legal to earn money playing hockey Many people play hockey even after they're married The puck's always hard The protective equipment is reusable It lasts at least an hour A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon You always know how big the stick is You can clean your stick in public without anyone minding You can change players on the fly You don't have to be embarrassed if you don't get the puck up Everyone is finished when the buzzer sounds Your parents cheer when you score Periods last only 20 minutes You're sure to get it at least twice a week You can tell your friends about it afterwards.
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has 29.93 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: marriage, money, sport, time
James and Neil were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United. They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (A16) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together. One half-time Neil went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for A16. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty. Then on Boxing day, much to James and Neil's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. Neil could not resist asking the newcomer, 'Where have you been all season'. 'Don't ask' he said, 'the wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.'
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has 29.93 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: Christmas, soccer, sport, wife
"Hello" "Hello" "Is that you, James?" "Yes, this is James." "Are you sure this is James." "Yes I'm sure, this is James!" "This is Robert... can you lend me twenty dollars?" "I'll tell James when he comes in."
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has 29.93 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: money
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? 11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..
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has 29.93 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: women
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck'
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has 29.93 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: animal
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