How does a man show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
James and Neil were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United. They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (A16) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together. One half-time Neil went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for A16. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty. Then on Boxing day, much to James and Neil's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. Neil could not resist asking the newcomer, 'Where have you been all season'. 'Don't ask' he said, 'the wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.'
"Hello" "Hello" "Is that you, James?" "Yes, this is James." "Are you sure this is James." "Yes I'm sure, this is James!" "This is Robert... can you lend me twenty dollars?" "I'll tell James when he comes in."
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? 11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck'
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? Last year's hide and seek champion.
What do you get if you cross a computer with a herb? A thyme machine.
How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch ’n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Priest to woman: ‘I don’t think you’ll ever find another man like your late husband.’ Woman: ‘Who’s going to look?’