What did the dad say when his son said, "Dad I'm tired of walking in circles?"
"Shut up kid or I'll nail your other foot to the ground."
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Q: What do you get when you mix cigarettes with hot water?
A: A soggy butt.
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Anyone want to try the ALS gas bucket challenge HMU.
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Q: What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A: A love call.
Two old ladies are in a restaurant.
One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible."
The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions."
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Q: What did the big turnip say to the little turnip
A: When did you turn up?
I sent my young son to pick up ice cream, I handed him some money and a coupon.
Later he came home with the ice cream and the coupon.
When I asked him what happened, he replied, “Mom I had enough money.
I didn’t need the coupon.”
As my grandmother and I were walking towards the United Nations Building in New York City, we came upon a street evangelist who was trying to get the attention of passersby.
He urged those near him to flee from the wrath to come.
“I warn you,” he roared, “that there will be weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth!”
An old woman in the crowd shouted snidely: “Sir, I have no teeth!”
“Lady,” the evangelist retorted, “teeth will be provided!”
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Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but his seats were in the nosebleed section -- but he didn't care, he had always dreamed of going to the Super Bowl.
So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better.
He finds this seat toward the front and he asks the guy next to it whether anyone is sitting there.
The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died."
"Well," says the first man, "why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?"
The guy replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."