In an attempt to end WWII, President Harry Truman had Chuck Norris parachuted into Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Sept. 2, 1945, the Japanese surrendered.
As my grandmother and I were walking towards the United Nations Building in New York City, we came upon a street evangelist who was trying to get the attention of passersby. He urged those near him to flee from the wrath to come. “I warn you,” he roared, “that there will be weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth!” An old woman in the crowd shouted snidely: “Sir, I have no teeth!” “Lady,” the evangelist retorted, “teeth will be provided!”
Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but his seats were in the nosebleed section -- but he didn't care, he had always dreamed of going to the Super Bowl. So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better. He finds this seat toward the front and he asks the guy next to it whether anyone is sitting there. The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died." "Well," says the first man, "why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?" The guy replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
My husband and I married for better or worse. He couldn’t do better and I couldn’t do worse.
How many dead babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil? It depends on how hard you squeeze them.
Chuck Norris doesn't need health care, everyone in his viewing range does.
I saw the priest watching pornography. Should I get jelous? -Johnny, 11 years old.