He was such an egotist that he joined the navy so the world could see him.
What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls? A baby with forks in its eyes.
Anyone want to try the ALS gas bucket challenge HMU.
how come blondes don't wear tampons? so their crabs don't go bungie jumping.
What do you get if you cross a hippo, elephant and a rhino? A Helephino!!
What do we do with crude oil? Teach it some manners!
Chuck Norris can run so fast he can cause time travel.
Q: Why did the boy come first in the 100 metre sprint? A: He had athlete's foot.
A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is." The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink. The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night." The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog." Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor. The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat." The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat. The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?" The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a vantriliqist."
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.