Bill Gates once asked Chuck Norris to be his personal body guard for an hour, he couldn't afford it...
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Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?
A: He thought his wife was a flake.
After some time I saw my doctor and he prescribed me a receipt, but he had prescribed me this receipt in the name of his mother Mrs. Ingrid, by mistake.
I didn´t notice it, took this receipt, went to the drug-store, gave the receipt to the pharmacist together with the insurance card with the name John on it.
The pharmacist took a look at me and has told me: "Dear, Mrs. Ingrid the name on the receipt doesn´t correspond with the name on the insurance card."
A lecturer who was drunk walked in a class.
Ater few minutes he wanted to urinate, he ran out and open a zip slowly, so that he may urinate.
After urinating, that's when he realized that the zip he opened was for a jacket.
A: What does 70-year-old p***y taste like?
A: Depends.
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Why does the chicken is sad?
Because his dad is a cock.
Why does the chicken is even more sad?
Because he faces the same future.
A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt.
"Wha' my gonna do now?
My wifez gonna kill me."
"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill."
The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket.
"Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."
"Thass a great idea!"
When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door.
"Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"
He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."
The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"
"Oh yeah, he sh*t my pants, too."
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
I make money the old-fashioned way.
My salary is the same as it was ten years ago
Two frat boys were lost at sea aboard a life raft.
On the fourth day, a mermaid came out of nowhere and offered to grant them one wish.
The frat boys thought hard until one shouted, "I wish the ocean was a sea of beer."
And their wish came true.
After they swam and drank in the sea of beer, the other boy shouted, "great, now we have to pee in the boat!"