Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
Did you hear John McEnroe went for an audition for the latest Harry Potter film?
They turned him down, saying "You cannot be Sirius!"
What did the blonde say about blonde jokes?
She said they were pretty good, but might offend some Puerto Ricans.
He was so ugly when he was born they didn’t know whether to buy a cot or a cage.
Q: What do you call a group of men found drowned in a wine vat?
A: The Grape-full Dead!
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.
The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
Little Billy looks at the chimpanzees from the zoo.
Mama, little Billy shouts, this monkey looks like our neighbour, Mr. Danny.
Billy, it’s not polite to talk like that!
Why? The chimpanzee doesn’t understand...
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their jobs.
One guy says, ''I'm a YUPPIE...ya know...Young, Urban, Professional.
The second guy says, ''I'm a DINK ...ya know...Double Income No Kids.''
They asked the woman, ''What are you?''
She replied... ''I'm a WIFE...ya know... WASH, IRON, FUCK, ETC.''
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.