Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?
A: A Budweiser in each hand! 
Why do moths fly with their legs open?
Cause they've got huge mothballs!
Yo mamma’s so fat that if she wants to go piss the toilet would break!
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn’t have.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
Chuck Norris only mast*rbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Vote:
Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player?
Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.
If a fifty cent piece and a quarter were on the Empire State Building, which would jump off first?
The quarter, because it has less sense (cents).
Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.
"You should give that money to charity", said the shopkeeper.
"No, I'll buy the chocolate.
YOU give the money to charity!"
Why did the teacher put the lights on?
Because the class was so dim!
Harry’s so cheap, he didn’t buy his wife a pearl necklace, he got her a length of string and told her to start a collection.