If a fifty cent piece and a quarter were on the Empire State Building, which would jump off first?
The quarter, because it has less sense (cents).
Why did the teacher put the lights on?
Because the class was so dim!
Harry’s so cheap, he didn’t buy his wife a pearl necklace, he got her a length of string and told her to start a collection.
I was taken short in the back of a taxi.
Because of all the mess I gave the driver a ten-pound note.
Mind you it had only been a fiver before I wiped myself with it.
Who was the last person to box Rocky Marciano?
His undertaker.
Golf
He’s in debt up to his eyes.
The only thing he’s paid for is his hat.
Why is basketball such a messy sport?
Because you dribble on the floor!
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
He set a new lap record.
How are men like chocolates?
A.They never last long enough
B.They always leave stains whenever they get hot.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.