How to catch a polar bear:
Go up north and find a frozen lake or pond.
Cut a large hole in the ice.
Open a can of green peas, and place the peas around the edge of the hole single file.
Hide behind a nearby rock.
When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole!
"I like to watch the World Series. Here's what I do.
I sit down and drink a few beers in my underwear and scream at the TV.
That's until they throw me out of Applebees."
Dave Letterman
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to hold the light bulb and one to spin the ladder around!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
Yo mama's so fat, when she farted pluto's ice caps melted.
Hey babe, can I get into your penalty box?
High five!
What to polar bears eat for lunch?
(Ice berg-ers!)
Why don’t you see lawyers on the beach?
Cats keep covering them with sand.
I can teach my cat any trick he wants to do!