I can teach my cat any trick he wants to do!
The cops must be after you, because it's illegal to look that good.
A blonde was trapped on an island and had to swim 1000 miles to get back to the mainland.
She swam 500 miles and got tired, so swam back to the island.
How to catch a polar bear:
Go up north and find a frozen lake or pond.
Cut a large hole in the ice.
Open a can of green peas, and place the peas around the edge of the hole single file.
Hide behind a nearby rock.
When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole!
"I like to watch the World Series. Here's what I do.
I sit down and drink a few beers in my underwear and scream at the TV.
That's until they throw me out of Applebees."
Dave Letterman
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to hold the light bulb and one to spin the ladder around!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
Yo mama's so fat, when she farted pluto's ice caps melted.
What to polar bears eat for lunch?
(Ice berg-ers!)