A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?" "Yes, I do, officer," she replied. "Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"
A man met a wonderful woman and became engaged to her. He called his mother to share his good news with her. He arranged to have dinner with his mother that evening so that she could meet his fiancee. When he arrived at her home, he brought along three women - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. His mother inquired as to why he had brought three women, instead of just one. He replied that he wanted to see if his mother would be able to guess which one of the women was her future daughter-in-law. She looked at each one carefully and then replied: "It's the redhead." "How could you possibly have figured that out so quickly?" he inquired. She coldly replied, "Because I can't stand her."
Don't stand around doing nothing. People will think you're the boss.
I really do have a soft spot for my MIL. It's out in the garden behind the garage.
Son: "Mom, I love you so much!" Mother: "I don't have any money, try it with your dad."
Q: What's the difference between a book and a teacher? A: You can shut a book up but you can't shut a teacher up.
Remove the shower head and place a chicken bouillon cube in it, then put the head back on.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Walker Texas Ranger wasn't an action crime drama, it was a documentary.
The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.