What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?!"
Q: What's the best thing about ISIS jokes?
A: The execution.
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One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed.
He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow.
The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out.
The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.
About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself.
So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt.
The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow.
Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try.
The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."
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Yo momma so fat she downloads cheats for Wii Fit.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
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A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics.
He makes friends with the tribe's chief and his wife and they all live happily for some time.
One day the chief's wife gives birth to a white child.
The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock.
The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you are the only white man we've ever seen around here, and my wife gave birth to a white child.
It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, chief, you're mistaken.
What we have here is a natural occurrence what we in the civilized world call an albino!
Look at that field over there.
All the sheep are white except for one black one.
Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what.
You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about the white kid."
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Joke has 77.97 % from 549 votes. More jokes about: baby, black people, ethnic, teacher, white people
Why'd the Mexican army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo?
There was only two vans.
Me using the Siri app on my iPhone:
Me: "Siri, call my wife."
Siri: "Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts."
Me: "Samantha Gibbs is my wife."
Siri: "I've added Samantha Gibbs as your wife."
Me: "Call my wife."
Siri: "Which wife?"
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Birthdays are good for your health.
Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.
Roses are red
violets are blue
I have 5 fingers
the middle one for you.