Teacher: If you eat fish? Student: It's good for my eyes. Teacher: If you don't eat fish? Student: It's good for the fish!
Yo mamma is so fat, her diet pills say M & M.
Two chemists go into a restaurant. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" - and he died.
I watched Justin Bieber get shot in CSI and my brother asked "Why are you crying?" I said "Because he didn't die in real life"
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.” The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?” “Never Father, I’m Jewish.” “So then, why are you telling me?” “I’m telling everybody!”
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Once upon a time, a computer programmer drowned at sea. Many were on the beach and heard him cry out, “F1! F1!”, but no one understood.
Mary to Jill: ‘My last boyfriend said he fantasised about having two girls at once. Jill: ‘Most men do. What did you tell him?’ Mary: ‘I said, “If you can’t satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off another one?”’
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, "No, but I have done 53 that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
Why is there no mexican olympics? Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the boarder.