They say the surest way to a man's heart is through the stomach. But personally, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."
Q: What does it mean if you were born in September? A: That your parents started the new year with a bang!
A little boy was pushing a heavy cart uphill with a lot of effort. The work was very tiring, so someone walking nearby felt pity and helped the little boy push the heavy cart until the end of the hill. He stopped indignant there and told to the child: "You should say to your boss that it is a shame to make a kid such hard work to do." "I told them, sir." "Well, what did they reply?" "Pull kid and some sucker will be there to help you."
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on the same plane. The plane crashes. Who survives? America.
A student was lucky to find a decent accommodation with a cheap rent. His colleagues came to visit him and he was showing them the house. "This is the kitchen. This is the bedroom. And this one is the living room ... " "And what are this hammer and this pot that are hanging on the wall for? What are you going to do with them?" one of his colleagues asked. "This is a talking clock." "I have never seen a clock like that. Can you show me how it works?" "Sure. Look," the student said. He took the hammer and struck at the pot with all his strength. Then a voice was heard from the other side, "What you are doing? Are you crazy? It is half past one in the night, you idiot!"
One day a young teen was in a church for the first time and he got a seat net to a not-so-good-looking woman. The pastor was preaching and he said: "Tell your neighbour how beautiful they are" and the boy stood up and said pastor "How can you expect me to lie in a church?"
Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
A man standing at a urinal notices that he's being watched by a midget. "Wow," comments the midget. "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and continues to pee. Suddenly, the midget pulls up a step ladder right next to the urinal and says, "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, but as they're so admirable, I wonder if I could take a closer look." Again the man is rather startled, but sees no real harm in it. Just then, the midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "OK, hand me your wallet, or I'll jump off the ladder!"