Did anyone ever notice that "STUDYING" is a mixture of STUDY and DYING?
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns. Billy: Who, me? Teacher: Very good!
Yo mama is so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Q: What is the difference between northern and southerner fairytales? A: Northerner starts off with "Once upon a time..." a southerner starts with "listen to this shit..."
Asians are so bad at driving, I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.
A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding. The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?" The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."
Me: "I'm finally happy!" Life: "Lol, wait a sec."
Patient: "Tell me how I can repay you for all your kindness." Doctor: "You can pay by cash, cheque or MONEY order."
Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. "What denomination?" asks the postal clerk. Mary thinks a second before replying, "Give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."