What do the KKK and Nike have in common? They both make a nigga run faster.
When a married man says "I'll think about it", what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
Q: What sports team is the least safe around children? A: The Nashville Predators.
The fastest, most effective way to learn about servant leadership is to take a puppy for a walk.
A blonde hops on and off a curb on a busy street, saying 54 over and over. A brunette walks by and asks what the blonde is doing. The blonde replies that she is jumping on and off the curb saying 54 over and over. The brunette joins her. Soon, the brunette gets hit by a passing car. The blonde watches as the car drives away. The blond then continues to jump on and off the curb, saying 55 over and over.
I farted in a room of hipsters and I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.
The Dilbert Principle: The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management.
Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
Q: How do you know your doctor is a vampire? A: He draws your blood from your neck with a straw!