TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER: What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating. 
Q: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet?
A: The hide and seek champion of 1996.
A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary.
He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit.
The mortician is a blonde female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed.
The motician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing.
His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit.
She gives the blonde mortician a signed, blank cheque and says, "Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband dressed in a fabulous black suit.
The suit fits him as if it were tailor made.
She says to the mortician, "You have done a magnificent job and I'm very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?"
To her amazement, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank cheque.
"There's no charge," she says.
"No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!" she says.
"Honestly," the blonde says, "It cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good..."
"So I just swapped their heads."
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
When can women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
Yo mama is so stupid she tried to commit suicide by jumping out the basement window.
When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn’t let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.
And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, “How do I know you’re Picasso?”
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces.
St. Peter was convinced and let him in.
When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates.
“How can you prove to me you’re George W. Bush?” Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, “Well heck, I don’t know.”
St. Peter says, “Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re George W. Bush?”
Bush replies, “Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?”
St. Peter says, “It must be you, George, c’mon on in.”
Vote:
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Little dirty Johnny took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear an even dirtier joke?
Bubbles is the girl next door.
Vote:
How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night.
All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.
"Jesus is gonna get you."
The robber ignored it, and takes the TV.
Again, the parrot cries out.
"Jesus is gonna get you."
The robber started to get a little worried.
"What's your name, birdie?"
"Moses."
"What dumbass named you Moses?"
"The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus."
Vote: