Why does the witch not wear panties when flying?
Because she wants to get a better grip on the broom.
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My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.
I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering "Chun Yu Yan" over and over – and then died.
I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial.
Apparently, it means "You're standing on my oxygen tube."
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Teacher: Ramu, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did u copy his?
Ramu: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort.
He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started.
When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.
"Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."
The wife nods, tees off and - bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.
"Jesus Christ," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is."
They walk up to the house and knock on the door.
"Come on in," a voice in the house says.
The couple open the door and enter the foyer.
The living room is a mess.
There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window.
A man sits on the couch.
When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?"
"Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that."
"Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return."
"Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says.
The genie smiles. "Consider it done."
"And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you."
The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.
When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?"
"31," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
Yo mammas so ugly, when she looked in the mirror, her reflection said," I quit."
And walked away.
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Chuck Norris can pour a pancake so thin that it only has one side.
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*BOOM*
Mum shouts: "What was that?"
Me: "My coat fell."
Mum: "It sounded a lot heavier than that!"
Me: "I was in it."
Linux is like wigwam: no Gates, no Windows and Apache inside.
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Yo mama so stupid, the password needed 8 characters, so she put Snow white and the 7 dwarves.
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans.
Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl.
She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.