Taylor swift: so he calls me up and he's all like "I still love you" and I'm like... Wait, is this Connor, Patrick, Joe, Luca, Taylor, John, Cory, Toby, Jake, Garret, Eddie, or Harry?
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow? He wanted rich milk.
Q: Did you hear the joke about an Earthquake and Japanese nuclear reactor? A: Not cool.
Drake Bell: In honor of Kim and Kanye's baby "North West" I will be naming my first son "Taco".
Q:Why do dogs stick their noses in women's crotches? A:Because they can.
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?" The doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
I don't understand why people pay shrinks when I'll tell them what's wrong with themselves for free.
Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks. The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think they could be bird tracks." The second blonde went to look and said, "No, I think these are deer tracks." They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!
Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?" "About two and a half feet." "Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"
Scientists called it a big bang, Chuck Norris called it an alarm clock.