There's 3 army generals and the government decides to pay them any way they want measured.
First guy says measure from the tip of my toe to the end of my finger.
So they do and its 73 inches so they pay him $730,000.
The second guy does the same and gets paid $650,000.
The third guy goes measure from the tip of my penis to the back of my balls.
They say OK drop your pants, so he does and they measure.
"You have no balls" they say.
"Yes I do," he replies, "they're still in Vietnam.
Did you hear about the new book about anti-gravity?
I just can't seem to put it down.
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One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"
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My girlfriend is like February 30th, she doesn't exist.
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I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them.
"What shall we play today?" said Florence to her best friend Jenny.
"Let's play schools," said Jenny.
"OK!" said Florence. "But I'm going to be absent."
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Always be yourself. Unless you can be quiet, then be that.
Husband says: "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied: "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"
A Ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food."
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me.
They're for him.
He's my brother.
He's four.
He saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do either one."