A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says, ‘Congratulations!’
‘Congratulations for what?’ asks the lawyer.
‘We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.’
‘But that’s not true,’ says the lawyer. ‘I only lived to be forty.’
‘That’s impossible,’ replies Saint Peter.
‘We’ve added up your time sheets.’
Chuck Norris built the hospital in which he was born.
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Q: Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
A: Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say: "Bach, Bach, Bach."
Wife asked her husband to give her the newspaper.
Husband: "How backward you are? Technology has developed so much and you are still asking for the newspaper... Take my iPad..."
Wife took the iPad and killed the Cockroach.
Husband faints.
Moral: Whatever the wife asks, give her without argument. Show your smartness in office, not at home.
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A little boy was pushing a heavy cart uphill with a lot of effort.
The work was very tiring, so someone walking nearby felt pity and helped the little boy push the heavy cart until the end of the hill.
He stopped indignant there and told to the child:
"You should say to your boss that it is a shame to make a kid such hard work to do."
"I told them, sir."
"Well, what did they reply?"
"Pull kid and some sucker will be there to help you."
Chuck Norris can stare you to death while looking the other direction!
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A blonde went to her mail box several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds.
A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.
Her reply: "My computer keeps telling me I have mail."
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
The United States Army will be making a new movie...
They'll be shooting in Iraq!
An aging man lived alone in Ireland.
His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply.
"For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."