Shop assistant: How about this one? Psychic: That shirt is too small. Shop assistant: You didn't even try it on? Psychic: I'm a medium.
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"Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please?" "Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy!"
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving. While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you." "Boobs," the drunk replied.
Q: Why do beavers spend a fortune on the Internet? A: They never want to log off.
On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear. She said, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!" The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!" This time, he figured he'd better look into it. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me sir, could I help you?" The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it..." The man continued, "I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side!"
Yo Mama's so dumb she waited all day at a stop sign.
Yo mama so fat she has more rolls than a bakery.
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’” A small voice from the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher; she’s still old, nasty, and wrinkled”
How does an LA policeman go fishing? He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells him where the others are.