They were three men discussing how to make their wives to tell them if they cheated on them. The first guy says: "I go home after work at night, lie on the couch, turn on the television and ask: 'Woman you cheated on me today!' 'Who, me my husband? Could I ever do such a thing?' Pissed off as I am, I get up, put her down, punch her and in the end she can’t take it anymore and admits: 'I cheated on you with Nick…'" The secong guy says: "I do exactly the same thing. I punch her and finally she says: 'I cheated on you with Jake…'" The third guy says: "I have no problem at all. I go home, undress, put the sweat pants on, light my cigarette on, I go out to the balcony, see the neighbor spreading clothes and shout at her: 'Mary! You are a whore!' And then she starts saying: 'I’m a whore? Or your wife who sleeps with John, Mark, Peter…!'"
Eminem says "I'm not afraid". Chuck Norris says "I love the way you lie"
Einstein and a colleague were sitting having a coffee chatting about physics. His colleague suddenly stopped, pulled out a small notebook and wrote a couple of words in it.rnEinstein asked "What was that for?" rnHis colleague replied. "I always carry a small notebook around with me, and then, if ever I have a good idea, I can make a quick note so as not to forget it later. You should try it Albert".rnEinstein replied "Oh, I don't need one of those, I've only ever had two good ideas".
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Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."
Which is the most dangerous animal in the Northern Hemisphere? Yak the Ripper.
Every time you're sad, just remember that somewhere out there a tree grew for years and years, but was then destroyed and became material for a Justin Bieber notebook.
Why did the farmer fence in the bull? The farmer had too much of a steak in him to let him go!
Two old guys were sitting under a tree, watching the sun go down. One says, “You know, I’m 84 years old and my body is full of aches and pains. You’re about my age. How do you feel?” The other guy says, “Oh, I feel like a newborn baby.” “Really,” says the first guy. “Yep,” says the second one. “No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants.”
Q: Why did the hipster leave his oceanside mansion? A: It was too current.
Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit. Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit." After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor’s son wearing trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?" "It’s very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."