A mother was arguing with her teenager and finally she reaches breaking point and blurts out, " I should swallowed you when i had the chance!"
I kind a feel sorry for Hitler.
Looking back at some old photos of him, his friends always left him hanging when he went for a high-five.
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Teacher: "Are you good at math?"
Pupil: "Yes and no."
Teacher: "What do you mean?"
Pupil: "Yes, I'm no good at math!"
Julia began her job in a secondary school as a counselor and she was keen to help the pupils.
One day during break-time she noticed a girl standing all by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the children were enjoying a game of soccer at the other end of the field.
Julia approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said that she was.
Some time later, however, Julia noticed that the girl was in exactly the same spot, still by herself.
Going up to her again, she enquired, 'Would you like me to be your friend?'
The girl hesitated, then said, 'Alright,' while looking at Julia with some suspicion.
Feeling she was making progress, Julia then asked, 'Why are you standing here all alone?'
'Because,' the girl said with a large sigh, 'I'm the goalie!'
Have you heard of the new black Barbie doll?
It comes with 6 kids, AIDS, and a welfare check!
The teacher said to the children: "In a paddock, there were twelve sheep. Six of them got out by jumping over the fence. How many sheep left behind?"
"None", little Jim say.
"None?" says the teacher surprised. "Jim, you’re clueless in math."
"And you, misses, are clueless in sheep! As soon as the first sheep jumps out, the other will follow as well!"
A milkman gets an order for 45 pints of milk.
Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.
When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 45 pints.
"Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.
"Oh, OK," replies the milkman.
"Do you need it pasteurized then?"
"No," says the woman.
"Up to my tits will be fine."
Patient: "I have spent 80% of my life’s savings on doctors."
Doctor: "Why didn’t you come to me earlier?"
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.
"Was anything wrong with them?" the clerk asked.
"Yes," I said. "They hurt my feelings."
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