Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
You are so old, if you to acted your age, you'd die.
A tomato walks into work and a potato says: "Hello, Tomatoe..." He responds: "My name is not Tomatoe, it's just Tomato. How would you like it if I called you "Potatoe"? "Well, that would just be weird because my name is Rick!"
Jill: "How did you find the weather on your vacation?" Bill: "I just went outside and there it was!"
Eminem says "I'm not afraid". Chuck Norris says "I love the way you lie"
They were three men discussing how to make their wives to tell them if they cheated on them. The first guy says: "I go home after work at night, lie on the couch, turn on the television and ask: 'Woman you cheated on me today!' 'Who, me my husband? Could I ever do such a thing?' Pissed off as I am, I get up, put her down, punch her and in the end she can’t take it anymore and admits: 'I cheated on you with Nick…'" The secong guy says: "I do exactly the same thing. I punch her and finally she says: 'I cheated on you with Jake…'" The third guy says: "I have no problem at all. I go home, undress, put the sweat pants on, light my cigarette on, I go out to the balcony, see the neighbor spreading clothes and shout at her: 'Mary! You are a whore!' And then she starts saying: 'I’m a whore? Or your wife who sleeps with John, Mark, Peter…!'"
Q: Why did the hipster leave his oceanside mansion? A: It was too current.
Einstein and a colleague were sitting having a coffee chatting about physics. His colleague suddenly stopped, pulled out a small notebook and wrote a couple of words in it.rnEinstein asked "What was that for?" rnHis colleague replied. "I always carry a small notebook around with me, and then, if ever I have a good idea, I can make a quick note so as not to forget it later. You should try it Albert".rnEinstein replied "Oh, I don't need one of those, I've only ever had two good ideas".
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Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit. Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit." After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor’s son wearing trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?" "It’s very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."
Which is the most dangerous animal in the Northern Hemisphere? Yak the Ripper.