Best jokes ever

Condoms are not completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got hit by a bus.

A mother was arguing with her teenager and finally she reaches breaking point and blurts out, " I should swallowed you when i had the chance!"

Teacher: "Are you good at math?" Pupil: "Yes and no." Teacher: "What do you mean?" Pupil: "Yes, I'm no good at math!"

Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

Julia began her job in a secondary school as a counselor and she was keen to help the pupils. One day during break-time she noticed a girl standing all by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the children were enjoying a game of soccer at the other end of the field. Julia approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said that she was. Some time later, however, Julia noticed that the girl was in exactly the same spot, still by herself. Going up to her again, she enquired, 'Would you like me to be your friend?' The girl hesitated, then said, 'Alright,' while looking at Julia with some suspicion. Feeling she was making progress, Julia then asked, 'Why are you standing here all alone?' 'Because,' the girl said with a large sigh, 'I'm the goalie!'

Fast way to screw up someone's Knock Knock joke...? "It's open."

Happy Father's Day to a dad who was smart enough to teach me how to mow the lawn so he would't have to.

I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. "Was anything wrong with them?" the clerk asked. "Yes," I said. "They hurt my feelings."

A father, as he was going home, he saw his daughter on the porch, kissing a guy goodnight. Disturbed, he turned to the guy. "In our home, young man, we turn of the light at 11 o'clock, sharp!" "Oh, Thank you so much Sir! That's so convenient! Thanks!"

The teacher said to the children: "In a paddock, there were twelve sheep. Six of them got out by jumping over the fence. How many sheep left behind?" "None", little Jim say. "None?" says the teacher surprised. "Jim, you’re clueless in math." "And you, misses, are clueless in sheep! As soon as the first sheep jumps out, the other will follow as well!"