Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
What happens if you upset a cannibal? You get into hot water.
A tomato walks into work and a potato says: "Hello, Tomatoe..." He responds: "My name is not Tomatoe, it's just Tomato. How would you like it if I called you "Potatoe"? "Well, that would just be weird because my name is Rick!"
Yo' Mama so fat, I can stand on her belly and high-five God.
Client: "Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence." Me: "You mean... the period?" Client: "I don't care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it."
Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween? A: On blood vessels.
Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Jill: "How did you find the weather on your vacation?" Bill: "I just went outside and there it was!"
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? A: He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
Eminem says "I'm not afraid". Chuck Norris says "I love the way you lie"