Two best friends are lying on the beach and discussing:
"Last night I saw a terrible nightmare…"
"What did you see?"
"I saw my mother-in-law swimming in the sea and being chase by a shark…"
"Wow horror!"
"Horror?! You say nothing! She almost got away!"
Vote:
Q: If a horses foot covers 2 acres of land, what will his tail cover?
A: His ass!
Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off!
There won't be a $200 bike this year."
Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
His father asks him why he's leaving.
Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
Vote:
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Your best friend has three girlfriends.
Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me.
All 3 want to do something special so they set up some dates.
Three days ago Doe kisses him.
Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex.
Yesterday, who sucks his dick?
What do you call a nigger with no arms, and no legs?
Trustworthy.
Vote:
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: Because she couldn't find the 11
Don't ever let your girl talk to another guy about her problems; a shoulder to cry on, becomes a dick to ride on.
Q: What is the difference between an ISIS boot camp and a local school?
A: How should I know? I just fly the drones.