Happy Father's Day to a dad who was smart enough to teach me how to mow the lawn so he would't have to.
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Yo momma's so old if she were a car it would be time to roll back her odometer.
A man and his wife go to the doctor to see how they could improve their sex life.
The doctor recommends Viagra.
They come back and see him in a couple of weeks.
The doctor says "how was the Viagra?"
The wife says "great I love it."
Husband says "I like it but it has some side effects, we're bared from McDonald's for life."
Q: How do you drown a hipster?
A: In the mainstream.
One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather.
One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual.
It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house.
He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. "What terrible weather today honey," he said to her.
"Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!" she replied.
Q: How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What sort of answer did you have in mind?
A: None - just assume it's changed.
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A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says, ‘Congratulations!’
‘Congratulations for what?’ asks the lawyer.
‘We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.’
‘But that’s not true,’ says the lawyer. ‘I only lived to be forty.’
‘That’s impossible,’ replies Saint Peter.
‘We’ve added up your time sheets.’
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to start the November 5th bonfire?
Zero Microsoft declares darkness to be a new standard.
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Q: What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian?
A: One slip of the tongue and you will be in s**t!
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When Columbus discovered America, Chuck Norris has already worked there as Texas ranger.
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