What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, "I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition." "The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance,'What's your condition?" Phil answered, "Tell me your wish in just three words." There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, "Clean my house."
My wife found a porn magazine in our son's room the other day. She showed it to me, and it was BDSM. She asked me "What we should do?" Me: "Probably not spank him." She belted me with the magazine. Now I know where he gets it from.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.
The main rule to obey, if you are in jail: never take a bow for a fallen soap from the wash basin. Try and you'll cry.
When Chuck Norris breaks a sweat... he tries to do it as quickly as possible so as not to hurt it.
Chuck Norris doesn't break bricks. They fold under pressure.
What do you call two niggers in a sleeping bag? Twix...
What do you call a gay guy with a sixteen-inch d**k? A pain in the ass!
What does a man make best for dinner? Reservations.