Q: How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hmmm... I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you.
Vote:
My 3-year-old granddaughter, Sydney, told my husband, Ted, and me that she was going fishing with her dad.
Ted asked if she was going to use worms.
"No," she said. "I'm going to use a fishing pole."
Vote:
Yo mama so round and fat that she makes an eclipse with the sun.
Patient: "Doctor, I'm starting to forget things."
Doctor: "I understand."
Patient: "Understand what?"
Your mama's so fat she asked for a water bed and we threw a blanket on the ocean.
Vote:
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None. Feminists can't change anything.
2) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to berate any men who offer to help.
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken.
So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal.
"What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says "You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat.
The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
Always be yourself!
Unless you can be Batman - then always be Batman
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.
Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, “STOP! Acts 2:38!”
(”Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.”)
As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.
As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, “Why did you just stand there?
All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar.
“She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”