If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.
Wearing a turtleneck shirt is like being strangled by a really weak person all day.
Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split." Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."
Chuck Norris doesn't submit his own facts because Chuck Norris doesn't submit, period.
To be roundhouse-kicked by Chuck Norris means getting his autograph.
Every time you're sad, just remember that somewhere out there a tree grew for years and years, but was then destroyed and became material for a Justin Bieber notebook.
Chuck Norris destroyed the Lord of Rings. Twice.
Remember the Leia scene from The Last Jedi? That wasn't the force, it was Chuck Norris resurrecting Carrie Fischer.
Chuck Norris once made an omelette from a Fabergé egg.
Rambo is simply Chuck Norris disguised as Sylvester Stalone playing tag.