What happened to the man who tried to cross a lioin with a goat?
He had to get a new goat.
A builder was once building a fence to surround a farmer's sheep.
The builder finished, and the farmer was ready to pay.
The builder then came up to the farmer and said: "Sir, I hope this isn't too a-fenc-ive.
Vote:
St. Peter was sat next to the god in heaven when the all of a sudden the pearly gates started to rattle.
God said to Peter,"go and see who is rattling the gates."
Peter ran down the stairway to heaven and opened the pearly gates and there stood a dirty unwashed man in a vest.
Peter looked the man up and down and said "yes' can I help you?"
The man replied in a broad Irish accent, "Top of the mornin to ya sur, would the good lord have any scrap he be not wanting?"
St. Peter stood silent for a moment then said: "wait here a moment."
Peter shut the gate and ran back up the stairway to heaven and said to God, "It's Pykies my lord, wanting scrap."
God says to St. Peter "Shit! Lock everything up and hide the keys, then go back down and tell them to bugger off!"
Peter runs down the stairway to heaven opens the gate and tells "the pykie to bugger off, slams the pearly gates shut and locks it. Peter returns to the lord."
God says to Peter, "we'll give it half hour then go and see if they have gone."
A half hour passed.
"Peter! Go and see if they have gone!"
Peter runs down the stairway to heaven then returns to God panting and says to God "They have gone, my Lord!"
"Good" says God, "and so have the pearly gates, my lord."
Patient goes to Doctor, doctor starts looking at him...
- Good, good, good...
- Doctor, what's good?
- Good that I don't have what you have...
A Grandmother was checking out her grand-daughters grasp of colours and tested her regularly.
She would ask her and the grand-daughter would always get the colour right.
One day as we were heading to the doctors she turned to her Grandma and said "Don’t you think it’s time you tried to figure some of these out for yourself?"
Vote:
Yo' Mama is so ugly, her zits don't want to be seen with her.
Pawn Stars:
Man: "Can I have change for a dollar?"
Rick: "Best I can do is 75 cents."
Yo momma so fat her legs are like spoiled milk, white and chunky.
One day two girls were trying out for the school cheerleading squad.
One was a blonde and one was a brunette.
After they both had tryouts, they went home to wait until the results were posted.
The blonde goes to see if she made it that night.
Once she found out she made it she got out her cell phone and called the brunette, but she didn't answer, so the blonde just went back home. The next day the brunette called the blonde to see if she wanted to go with her to look at their scores.
The blonde says sure and meets the brunette at the school.
The brunette beats the blonde to the school, so she goes ahead and looks at the scores to find out they both made it.
When the blonde gets there, she finds her name on the list again. Then she says, "Yes! I made it again, I made it last night and I made it again today. I am on a roll!"
At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.
The judge asks the baby bear, "Do you want to live with papa bear?"
The baby bear replied, "No he beats me."
The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear!
The baby bear said, "No she beats me too."
The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?"
The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"