Why did the farmer fence in the bull? The farmer had too much of a steak in him to let him go!
Pawn Stars: Man: "Can I have change for a dollar?" Rick: "Best I can do is 75 cents."
A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting. Bernie turns to Marv and says, "Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too." Marv smiles and says, "Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?" Bernie says, "You’re going to have to help me out here a little. What’s the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?" Marv grins again, "Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me…" "Yes, yes, that’s it!" cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife: "Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?"
Funny Lists: Eight ways to say "Your Fly Is Open" 1. The cucumber has left the salad. 2. You've got Windows in your laptop. 3. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 4. Your pod bay door is open, Hal. 5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage. 6. Sailor Ned is trying to take a little shore leave. 7. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 8. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
What are the three rules for being a plumber? 1. Hot water is always on the left. 2. Shit doesn't flow uphill 3. Never chew your fingernails.
How do you blindfold an Asian? With dental floss!
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. Steve Martin
Knock knock! Who's there? Yah! Yah who? Naaah, bro, I prefer google.
Chuck Norris can throw a house through a window.
Q: Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra? A: So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the arse.