A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
The retiree replied, "Oh great!
NOW you tell me!"
Vote:
A Native American walks into a bar with a cat, a bag of sh*t and a shotgun.
He asks for a bottle of whiskey and immediately downs it.
He throws the bag of sh*t up in the air, shoots it with his shotgun, and takes a big bite of the cat's ass.
The bartender asks, "Buddy, what the hell are you doing?"
The Native American responds, "I want to be like the white man: get drunk, shoot the sh*t and eat pussy."
A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office.
Under "Number of children," she wrote "10," and where it said "List names of children," she wrote "Leroy." When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out:
"Now here where it says "List names of children," you're supposed to write the names of each one of your children."
"Dey all named Leroy," said the black woman.
"That's very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?" asked the welfare worker.
"Oh, den I uses the last names."
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
Just heard someone bragging about his one night stand.
Whatever mate, I've got two night stands.
Either side of my bed.
Your momma is just like a shotgun, give her a cock and she blows.
One step forward, 12 floors down.
Vote:
Customer: "Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup."
Waiter: "Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers."
Yo mama so dumb she runs to the mailbox whenever her computer beeps: "you have a new mail".
If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
The rest of them will write Perl programs.