A drunk sitting at a bar observes a very snobby woman participating in a wine tasting contest. She was very good at identifying the wine. At the first taste she says: "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1998" and all the people were amazed. At the 2nd try she answers "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1953" and they were once again amazed. Then the drunk pisses in a glass and hands it to her. She tries it and says "Yak, this tastes like piss!" And the drunk says, "Yeah, but what year was I born?"
An exhausted hunter out in the woods stumbled across another hunter. Hunter 1: "Am I glad to see you, I've been lost for three days." Hunter 2: "Don't get too excited, friend, I've been lost for three weeks."
Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep? A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
Chuck Norris has only used the 'Total Gym' twice in his life. When his eyes are open - and when they are closed.
Chuck Norris is so powerful he can jumpstart a car by attaching the cables to his chest hair.
Scientists invented a machine to catch thieves. In 30 minutes in Canada the machine caught 10 thieves, in 15 minutes in the U.S the machine caught 5 thieves, in 3 minutes in Trinidad thieves stole the machine.
Went to a Muslim birthday party the other day. It was great fun, we blew up a bouncy castle and then had a really intense game of pass the parcel.
“The Day the Earth Stood Still” is based off the one day in Earth’s history when Chuck Norris slept.
When you insult Chuck Norris, the next thing you are going to see is a bunch of halos.
The only Christmas present Chuck Norris ever gives is allowing you to live.