Yo momma so poor...
When I rang her doorbell, SHE said 'Ding-Dong'
The lawyer’s motto:
a man is not guilty until he demonstrates he is out of money...
Things not to Say to the Cop Who Pulls You Over
10. Your so-called "speed limits" mean nothing to me flatfoot. I live my life one quarter-mile at a time.
9. You again? I thought I lost you at that last red light.
8. Aren't you going to strip search me, big boy?
7. I am not the droid you're looking for. You don't need to see my papers.
6. Darn! My radar detector must be broken again.
5. You better hurry up with that ticket. Dunkin' Donuts closes in 15 minutes.
4. You're not going to search my trunk are you?
3. How about you watch my friend Ben Franklin while I get my registration?
2. Sorry I was speeding officer, but your daughter said she had to be home by eleven.
1. Hey Barney! How are things in Mayberry?
Chuck Norris would have attacked the Death Star with the Shield Generator still up.
Vote:
[ancient greece]
Teacher: "What have you all chosen for your thesis?"
Hippocrates: "I'm laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine."
Socrates: "I am examining what it means to be."
Ptolemy: "Uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear?"
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"
Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation.
Little Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid!"
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."
"Excellent my son, I've gotta take a leak, watch the gate will ya?"
The angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
Q: What do you give a sick bird?
A: Tweetment!