My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
My boss is in the process of filling an open manager position. I asked him to please hire a man because women are crazy. He agreed with me. I got upset that he agreed. I'm pretty sure I unintentionally proved my point.
Never borrow money from optimists – they always expect to get it back.
How does Santa's accountant value his sleigh? Net Present Value.
Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets? A: He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.
Librarians may be shy, but their patrons aren't. Look at their oddball requests: A patron offered me $100 to steal a cactus from somebody's yard. A patron wanted me to find a book to teach her dog german. A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck. A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn't at work.
How many social media marketers does it take to change a light bulb? It’s not about the change - it’s about engaging people in conversations about the light bulb change.
How many blondes does it take to milk a cow? Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.
Yo mama so poor, when I ring the door bell, she yells: DING DONG!
A male driver gets stopped by police, and is asked: "Have you been drinking?" The man replies: "Okay, yes, I have... how did you know officer? Was I swerving across the road, or speeding?" "No sir," replied the policeman, "...nothing else can explain that fat ugly woman sitting next to you."