A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad. 
So an old man, a Catholic priest, and a pedophile walk into a bar, and that's just one person!
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Chuck Norris is so fast that when he runs, he can see his back.
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Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The location of the dirtbag.
James Bond's license to kill was approved by Chuck Norris.
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Thunder is caused by Chuck Norris rubbing the stubble on his chin.
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Q: Why was Tigger's head in the toilet?
A: He was looking for pooh!
Yo momma so FAT, she can't save files bigger than 4 GB.
An 80-year-old man tells his wife, "I'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
His wife gets her coat on and says, "I'm going to the doctor, too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates.
The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"
No.
The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
No.
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck.