Why did the cannibal live on his own?
He was fed up with other people.
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Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation?
He said, "So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses."
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How does Santa's accountant value his sleigh?
Net Present Value.
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My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender "what's with the meat?"
The bartender says, "If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?"
The man takes another look at the meat, then says, "I think I'll pass. The steaks are too high."
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."
Did you hear about that music composer who commited suicide?
He didn't even leave a note.
"My friend is nuts. He thinks he's Bugs Bunny. But I m positive he isn't."
"How do you know he isn t?"
"Because I am."
Harry is very quick with the ladies, before they can tell him they’re not that sort of girl, it’s usually too late.
Yo mama so ugly when Santa came down the chimney he said ho! ho! hoooollly shit!