How can you tell she's a macho women?
She rolls her own tampons.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom!
A kid asks his father:
Kid: Daddy why do i have to go to bed?
Dad: Because the bed wont come to you.
What would you do if your were in a large room, all sealed up, no windows, the door was locked, and there were 5 hungry tigers, 32 vultures, 17 spitting cobras, 213 tarantulas, 1 laywer, and you had a gun with only two bullets?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: How many licks does it take Chuck Norris to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
A: Zero. He simply stares at the candy and the outer coating is gone.
Vote:
An English man, Irishman and a Scotch man are sitting in a pub full of people.
The Englishman says, “The pubs in England are the best.
You can buy one drink and get a second one free”.
Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.
The Scottish man says,”..yeah. That’s quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free.”
Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.
The Irish man says “Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the back-room for a shag”
The English says “WOW! Did that happen to you?” and the Irishman replies “No, but it happened to my sister.”
Chuck Norris doesn't have to face the consequences, the consequences have to face Chuck Norris.
Vote:
"I spent the whole evening knotsurfing!"
"Don't you mean netsurfing?"
"No, everyone was complaining because I tied the computer up for ages!"
Vote:
Remember the Leia scene from The Last Jedi?
That wasn't the force, it was Chuck Norris resurrecting Carrie Fischer.
Vote:
Do you know the difference between a postal box and a monkey's arse?
Well if you don't know I will never ask you to post a letter for me.