Q: Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?
A: Because they can divide sin and cosine to get a tan! 
Alfie was listening to his sister practice her singing.
"Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols."
"Thats nice of you, Alfie," she replied, "but why?"
Alfie replied, "Because then I'd only have to hear your voice once a year!"
What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?
Speed bumps.
Rome wasn't built in a day because they didn't ask Chuck Norris for help.
Vote:
Q: Why shouldn't Men using iron supplements take Viagra?
A: It may cause them to spin around and point north.
Chuck Norris can hammer a wall into a nail.
Vote:
Chuck Norris can power solar panels.
At Night.
Vote:
Q: What animal has the most kids.
A: A sperm whale.
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert.
"It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late.
His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.
To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did.
My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."