Best jokes ever

My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.
Vote:
has 59.63 % from 121 votes. More jokes about: dad, dirty
Why are niggers afraid of chainsaws? Because when you turn on a chainsaw it says "Run nigga nigga nigga Run nigga nigga nigga"
Vote:
has 59.62 % from 199 votes. More jokes about: black people, communication, racist
I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?
Vote:
has 59.61 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: dirty, flirt, sex
Question: What should a man do if his wife runs into the room during a baseball match and keeps disturbing you? Answer: Shorten the chain.
Vote:
has 59.61 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: black humor, sport, wife, women
Patient: "I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?" Doctor: "You’ve had an accident involving a bus." Patient: "What happened?" Doctor: "Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Give me the bad news first." Doctor: "Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them." Patient: "That’s terrible! What’s the good news?" Doctor: "There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers."
Vote:
has 59.61 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: dirty, doctor, hospital
Q: What did the prick say to the balls? A: You guys hang around here while I go inside!
Vote:
has 59.61 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: dirty
Yo mama is so ugly, Bob the Builder said: '' holy f*ck we can't fix that.''
Vote:
has 59.59 % from 99 votes. More jokes about: insulting, ugly, Yo mama
It seemed that the son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was considering the future. He went to his father, who had a very large office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner where he could observe his father's activities. He could be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. This way, he could decide on whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this to be a splendid idea, and this arrangement was set up immediately. On his son's first day at work, the first client in the morning was a rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman's attire, who began the conversation as follows: "Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a ranch on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised, the cows, tended them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding and belief that I was the owner of the cows. Mr. Gonzales died and his son has inherited the farm, and he believes that since the cows were raised on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows are his. In short, we have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows." The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in. A young, well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class. "My name is Gonzales. I own a farm on the east side of the town," he said. "For many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family tending the crops and animals, including some cows. The cows have been raised on my land and fed on my hay, and I believe that they belong to me, but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared for them, they are his. In short, we have a dispute over ownership of the cows." "I heard enough. I'll take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look of concern. "My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to me that we have a serious problem regarding these cows." "DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows will be ours!"
Vote:
has 59.51 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, dad, family, lawyer, work
A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vodka on the street. He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish." The Russian man says, "I would like to piss vodka." When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses. She asks what they'll be drinking. He tells her he can piss vodka and demonstrates for her. It was the best vodka they'd ever had. The next night the Russian guy comes home tired and tells his wife to get one glass. She asks, "Why only one glass?" "Because tonight," he says, "you should drink from the bottle."
Vote:
has 59.51 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: dirty, wife
Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
Vote:
has 59.51 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: beer, men, political, science, women
<<<628629630631
More jokes →
Page 628 of 1429.