A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."
Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.
The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"
The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
Q: Why did the blonde girl stare at the orange juice box?
A: The orange juice box says, "concentrate."
Q. What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A. The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer...and a mop.
What do a rattlesnake and a soft penis have in common?
You can't f**k with either one.
Yo' Mama is so ugly, I asked if her face hurt because it was killing me.
Q: Why don't women wear watches?
A: There's a clock on the stove!
If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?
The Captains Dinghy!
What do cows do for entertainment?
They go to the mooooovies.
Q: Why did the blonde go to the dentist?
A: Someone dented her car.