Joke #9895

What do cows do for entertainment? They go to the mooooovies.
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A man was relaxing with his evening paper, when there was a knock on the door. He opened it, and saw nobody, so he closed the door and went back to his paper. There was another knock, so he opened the door again. This time, he looked down and saw a small snail. "Mister, could you spare some change?" the snail said. The man picked up the snail, threw him into the bushes, and went back to reading. A year later, there was another knock at the door. It was the snail. "What'd you do that for?"
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The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. “I’m ashamed to bring this up,” he said, “but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample.” The woman was shocked. “Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman.” The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, “He’s a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it’s not a big deal… just a sample.” She thought a minute. “A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don’t give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.
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Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. The next day he won the lottery.
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What is the best advice to give a worm? Sleep late.
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A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant. A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear." It says, "Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves."
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Chuck Norris looked Medusa straight in the eyes, and laughed.
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What do you get if you cross a skunk and a balloon? A creature that stinks to high heaven.
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How do you start a teddy bear race? Ready, teddy, go.
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Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies? A: A rotisserie chicken.
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What do you call a rabbit who is real cool? A hip hopper.
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