What did the red light say to the green light?
Don't look I'm changing! 
A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down.
As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her.
She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and shouts “Stop that!”
To which the waiter replies, “Sure, which way did it go?”
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Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
My great grandson's class were asked to make a mothers day card for their mothers.
On mothers day he presented this beautiful hand made a card to his mum...
Hearts and kisses and wishing her Happy Mums Day on opening the card printed in bold letters was "DADS THE BEST"...
Needless to say, his mum still loves him.
Man to a woman: "Do you know the difference between a blowjob and a cheeseburger is?"
Woman: "No."
Man: "Lets have lunch sometime…"
Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
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Dad: "Who do you think the committee screwed this year?"
Me: "Mom."
Yo mama so fat she was in a parallel universe.
Yo mama so fat, that when she got on the titanic, it sunk right away, and the only reason that this story is different is because the people who've told others about it were scared that she would sit on them.
Chuck Norris sank the Titanic on a late afternoon swim.
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