Best jokes ever

Santa Claus goes to the mall to sit on Chuck Norris' lap.
Vote: has 62.50 % from 27 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, Santa
Boy: "You know unlike all these other guys, I can make you really happy" Girl: "Why are you leaving?"
Vote: has 62.50 % from 27 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: flirt, mean, men, women
What Not to Say to a Policeman: I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving. Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband. The question is do YOU know why you pulled me over? I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me. If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude. It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal. That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum? If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!
Vote: has 62.50 % from 27 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: cop
A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f*cking'." His wife says, "That's a duck." He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."
Vote: has 62.47 % from 160 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, dirty, wife
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? A: Miracle Whip.
Vote: has 62.47 % from 119 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, masturbation, sex
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"
Vote: has 62.46 % from 65 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty
I have to be honest, I am English myself but some of the American jokes on this site just completely ruin it for me. I mean, what the shit happened on the ninth of November anyway?
Vote: has 62.44 % from 40 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor
Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend really likes you? A: If you stick your hand in her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.
Vote: has 62.44 % from 40 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, dirty, relationship, sex
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.
Vote: has 62.44 % from 40 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
An alcoholic, a smoker and a gay went to a doctor. The doctor told them that if they do again what they think are addicted to, they will die. As soon as the alcoholic went out of the hospital, he saw a bar. He thought for a while and said to himself, "If I drink one, I will die, if I don’t drink, I will die, too. So it’s better to get drunk." And he entered the bar, drank and died. At that time, the smoker saw one cigarette-end on the street. The gay walking behind him started crying, "Don’t! Don’t do it!" "Why? I want to smoke so much." "If you bend... we both are dead!"
Vote: has 62.44 % from 286 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bar, death, doctor, gay