What's green and eats nuts? Syphilis.
Yo' Mama is so nasty, she put ice down her pants to keep the crabs fresh.
Why was the man sued by his horse? For palomino-money!
What do you get if you cross a cow with a spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster? A cockerpoodlemoo.
The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants - one of which would get the job. The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid. Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education." Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?" "Oh," replied Jim " at Yale." "That's very good, excellent. You're hired! Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?" Jim answered "I don't care. Yimi or Mr. Yonson."
Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed? Yeah... now he has no ears.
Steve Jobs was an amazing man. He will live in my hard drive forever!
A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."
What happened when the lion ate the comedian? He felt funny.
Q: How do you know your doctor is a vampire? A: He draws your blood from your neck with a straw!