Best jokes ever

Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great. Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night." Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight." While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes. She struggled to get both legs behind her head. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move. Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face. "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."
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has 58.56 % from 91 votes. More jokes about: death, marriage, sex, women
A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom "You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops." (WHACK...she spanks him) He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops."
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has 58.56 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: age, food, kids
Doctor: "Sir, I have some bad news; you have been diagnosed with cancer and Alzheimers." Old man: "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"
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has 58.56 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: health, old people
Your mama so fat when she goes in Walmart and goes out it's gone.
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has 58.56 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: fat, Yo mama
Q: Why is the longest human nose on record only 11 inches Long? A: Because if it will 12 inches then it will a foot.
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has 58.56 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: communication, life
Yo mama so fat people used her as a tramp.
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has 58.56 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: fat, insulting, vulgar, Yo mama
Yo mama so ugly that she saw herself six ways in the mirror!
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has 58.56 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: insulting, ugly, Yo mama
Q: What's brown and white and flies all over? A: Thanksgiving turkey, when you carve it with a chainsaw!
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has 58.56 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: bird, Thanksgiving
Yo mama is so poor that she has to take the trash IN.
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has 58.56 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: money, Yo mama
The newest therapy for healing the states of depression is so-called decapitation. It costs only 100 dollars but 50 dollars pays the health insurance company. The operation will be made only once and you will never feel depressive. I had also luck and I also gave an order to this kind of therapy. I wish well to myself.
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has 58.56 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: health, money
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