Your Mother is so fat, her water heater needs a nuclear reactor.
Q: Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet?
A: Because they can't stop saving their work.
How do you know Charles Sweeney was dyslexic?
He wanted to order the flaming saganagi, but he accidentally ordered a flaming Nagasaki.
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Chuck Norris is so hot he makes the sun sweat.
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My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian, so I immediately broke up with her.
It may come across as judgmental, but really, I've only ever known and loved her as Christine.
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Q: What do you get when you complete science class?
A: A graduated cylinder.
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Yo' Mama is so fat, when she farts, it comes out at the ankles of her tight-ass jeans.
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him.
As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic."
So St. Peter let her into heaven.
Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?"
St. Peter asked.
"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,
500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.
He simply said to him: "Name them."
Question: What’s the ideal breakfast setting?
Answer: You’re sitting at the kitchen table and your son is on the cover of the Wheaties box, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of a milk carton.